Redeeming Love
by nikkip12
Summary: Full Synopsis: Edward left Bella when he graduated high school because he carried a dark secret. Bella still loving him after four years wants him back. Throughout this journey of reconciliation the face pain and healing, they answer the question can you create a healthy relationship when the odds are stacked against you. AH
1. Chapter 1

Copyright notice: I do not own Twilight.

Disclaimer: This story contains very mature content including sexual abuse, suicide, drug use, sexual content, and mental illness. If you are sensitive to these things, I urge you to use caution. This story gets very dark before the light shines in. I will post trigger warnings at the beginning of the chapters that contain sensitive material.

Full Synopsis: Edward left Bella when he graduated high school because he carried a dark secret. Bella still loving him after four years wants him back. Throughout this journey of reconciliation the face pain and healing, they answer the question can you create a healthy relationship when the odds are stacked against you. AH

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I sat next to Alice on the couch in the Cullen's expansive living room, tensing every time the wildlife scurried across the porch. Thoughts pertaining to_ him_ were running like wildfire through my mind. I subconsciously drew my knees close to my chest trying to dull the pain that always came when I thought about the ways things were and could have been. "Do you think he will still love me?" I asked my best friend, unable to hold the words inside. I blushed as I stared a hole in the carpet hoping she didn't hear me.

"Huh?" Alice responded, lost inside the picture she was drawing. Before I could respond though the question registered with my pixie like best friend. "Bella, it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." Came chipperly from her mouth, as she remained engrossed in her drawing.

I rolled my eyes at the quote, but the light-hearted comment served its purpose and I was able to release some of the tension I was carrying. I took a deep breath, ready to respond when she continued. "In all seriousness you were his entire world. I can't fathom the reasons behind him leaving in the first place. I am certain that you will be able to win back his affections." She looked me in the eye and gave a pitying look at my posture.

"Then why didn't he write? It's not like we are living in the dark ages. With IM's, DM's, Snapchats, text messaging, and emails you'd think that it wouldn't be that hard to send a message." Frustration clouded my words as I interrupted Alice.

"Maybe he didn't know what to say," she responded. I went back into my mental musings remembering what transpired after the day he tried to remove his existence from my life.

Four years ago, he left. _"It'll be as if I never existed."_ His parting words play in my mind on repeat on my bad days, and on the good days, I can not help but snort at the lie he told himself. How can it be as if he never existed when he was so much a part of who I became? He was the catalyst for a friendship blooming with his sister, Alice, who called me daily during the first few months to see if I had heard from him. The reason why I was accepted under the wings of his mother, Esme, who helped me negate some of the self-blame. His actions created the opposite of hiding his existence; instead every day I am reminded of the hole he left.

Post departure, Carlisle and my father Charlie, bonded when they ran into each other at Newton's sporting goods. According to the story that gets brought up every year during March madness, they spent forty-five minutes discussing their fishing lure collections, which lead to a fishing trip, which lead to a cookout, which ultimately led to my father and I becoming extended family to the Cullen's: Carlisle, Esme, and their children. They had few extended family members, and those they did have they weren't close to. As a nuclear family they were incredibly close knit and open amongst themselves, and due to the years of relationship my father and I were treated the same.

Carlisle and the rest of the family was even more shocked than I was when they woke up one day to find a note and Edward's car missing. He left immediately after he shattered my heart. He hadn't kept in much contact with them either from what they alluded to. Being a frequent guest, and then resident of their home I noticed that his name was never said on the phone, and he never surprised us for the holidays. Carlisle gave me a bedroom after the first year of his departure because I spent so many nights with Alice. Carlisle and Esme had a magnificent way of treating me like I was their child while including Charlie, and ensuring he was ok with their actions. Somehow, they were able to successfully co-parent me even though there was no reason for them to step up to the plate. I was so incredibly grateful at the love my extended family had been showing me.

Fear was my nemesis. At any moment I realize that his family could come to the same realization _he _did and leave me as well. We fell in love when I was 15 and naive. He was 17 about to be eighteen with goals of outshining his older brother, Emmet. Emmet was drafted fresh out of high school to play for the 49er's, which Edward took as evidence that he would never be as good enough. Edward had lacked the ability to see the good sides of himself when we were together. He often spoke of how he would never measure up to Emmet's, or his parent's success.

His parents were renowned in their fields. His father, a surgeon, who helped modernize Forks hospital. Esme was an interior designer, renowned for her skill, and infamous for her limited availability. Emmett also brought a successful and beautiful bride into the family. Rosalie Hale, now Cullen, was welcomed with open arms. Alice, his younger by two years sister, had started dabbling in fashion design while she was still in high school; creating a successful boutique during her sophomore year. She only dated one man, Jasper. Jasper proposed over Christmas, and Alice is currently planning their wedding for the next time he can get leave from the military. Alice still lives at home because she, "_doesn't want to live alone." _She plans to leave home when Jasper finishes his tour. Sometimes I wonder if there is something unloveable about me. I often play our relationship back to myself to see how I could have messed everything up. On playback I have never found anything substantial, causing the confusion and heart break to deepen.

I met Edward as a broken hearted 15-year-old, on my first day at Forks High School. I was forced to move to the cloudiest place in America from the desert after my mom tragically passed away from breast cancer. Edward helped pick up the pieces that her death and subsequent move left me in. We started dating, after his repeated warnings of "_I'm not good enough,"_, about a year after our friendship began. I should have heeded his warning, but he was like a drug, keeping me in his grasp.

Throughout our relationship, he told me how he felt so much was on his shoulders. Being the only biological child to his parents, only children themselves, meant that he felt he had a large reputation to live up to. I do not understand where his feelings of inferiority came from, but it was one of the few things I didn't enjoy about him.

It was easier to focus on the goodbye when I thought about his inferiority complex. After all the time apart with no contact, my mind often played tricks. It would remind me of the song he wrote for me after his prom, or the day when he surprised me with a first edition _Wuthering Heights_. Instead of getting caught in these romantic musings, I forced myself to think of how he left me with no warning presumably because of his feelings of self-degradation.

The day after graduation he came to me. He had appeared to be growing more depressed the days leading up to his departure, and as he knocked on my door, he looked like he'd never be happy again. After knocking he asked if Charlie was in, and when I assured, he wasn't, Edward proceeded to tell me how horrible he was and how he'd never amount to anything. He then ended the one-sided conversation with _"it'll be as if I never existed." _After finding out he left, his parents made him check in with them every day for the next year under the threat of a wellness check, because his words to me seemed like a suicidal goodbye.

From what Carlisle and Esme tell me, he didn't share much of what happened in these phone calls, only that he was breathing, and no he wasn't planning on ending his life. He ended up attending Berkley studying business. To my knowledge he never spoke of the events that transpired that summer, so no one knows the true story of what happened. He seemed to transition well into school, and from that moment on, only gave generic answers when someone spoke to him. Never once did he ask about me. I used to ask Carlisle, but the answer was always the same. I no longer saw the benefit in asking.

My heart hurts because of how easily he forgot me. Sometimes it feels like a gapping wound inside, leaving me to hug myself to keep from falling apart. I miss him so much. He was my world, before he ripped himself away from me. After he left, I tried dating, once. Jacob was the logical choice, but unfortunately, we ended up better as friends. One awkward kiss told us as much. I wonder though, if I had moved on would I hurt less? How can the one person who left me without a second glance be the only one my soul cries out for?

I jumped as a car pulled into the driveway, pulling me from my musings. He was here. I jumped off the couch, straightening my t-shirt as I heard footsteps crossing the front porch. My stomach was doing flip-flops, my heart was racing in anticipation. I took a deep breath to steady myself as the key unlocked the deadbolt. I looked over at my father who had just entered the room from the den, who appeared to be feeling like myself. He never asked about the dissolution of Edward's and mine relationship. I am sure he had his suspicions, but he never made them known to me. He wiped his palms as he headed towards the opening door, an impartial look replacing the nerves that were visible before.

I knew Charlie was here as a support for the elder Cullen's. They were Charlie's closest friends after the loss of Billy and Henry. I also knew that he was worried for me. He saw how entranced I became with the boy who stole my heart as a young teenager, and as a parent he was worried about it happening again. "Welcome back son. You were missed." Charlie muttered gruffly. Causing me to raise my eyes from my feet.

Charlie, having done his part to welcome home his best friends' son, quickly retreated into the man cave off to the side of the modern farmhouse kitchen. Immediately filling his spot was Alice who wrapped her tiny frame around Edward's in a firm hug. "I've missed you brother," she told him with tears filling her bright blue eyes. She smiled at him and stepped aside so Edward could come further inside the house, as well as make room for her parents.

My movement towards the door caused Edward to make eye contact with me. In that moment I was overwhelmed with emotion. I felt like crying, throwing up, and running up to him all at the same time. I wanted more than anything to throw my arms around him and kiss him senseless. Surprise filled his brilliant green eyes, as confusion took over his face. "Oh," was all he said as he saw me. He wasn't expecting to see me.

The minor paralysis that I was feeling wore off and I was able to walk towards the door. I wanted to show him that there was still a chance for us. I wrapped my arms around his chest as he pulled me close. I inhaled his smell of cedar and musk, with a hint of leather. I pulled back and looked into his eyes. "Hi." I stated simply.

"Hi," he replied, looking over his shoulder at Esme and Carlisle putting away their coats. I hoped he understood that I was open to reconciliation. Open to the idea of trying again, not matter how bad he was for me. I needed him. I wanted him. He was the ending I wanted for my story.

I looked to Carlisle and Esme and noticed the scowls on their faces. Confusion spread across mine. Why were they so upset? Then it happened I heard another set of footsteps on the stairs. "I found it," came a breathy feminine voice from just outside the door. "They need to invent something to put between the seat and the center counsel. Its like a black hole!" The voice said, and I met the green eyes of the woman it belonged to.

"Everyone, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend Victoria." Edward said, avoiding my gaze. My heart shattered again, and I swallowed hard to keep the tears from escaping my eyes. "Vic, this is Alice, my sister, and Charlie and Bella close friends of the family."

I gave her what little smile I could and tried to plan my retreat and subsequent move from the house. "Edward, you don't do Bella justice! She has lived here for about three years, and Charlie is the reason why we turned the den into a man cave!" Alice chimed in, offering her hand to Victoria. Edward paled when Alice said this. "Hey Victoria, I am Alice." Victoria took Alice's hand somewhat hesitantly.

I eyed Victoria, trying to find a reason to like her. After observing her magazine like beauty, deep red hair styled in loose waves, and barely there makeup, I turned around retreating towards the stairs. I made eye contact with Alice, who saw the defeat in my posture. She gently caught my arm before I could retreat to my room and whispered in my ear, "Looks can be deceiving. Look beneath the surface."

I made note of the predatory hand on Edward's arm. His tense body language where she was touching. I also noted the seemingly fake smile on her face. Things were not as they appeared, but I didn't think that I had the courage to do something about it. I looked at Alice again, "Victoria, why don't you take a seat and we can plan a girl's day to get to know each other."

Grateful Alice was taking the lead, I finally excused myself from the entry way and made my way to my bedroom. Once in there I let the tears go, and felt the anger rise in me. How dare he? How dare he pretend like we were nothing? I felt the rage at his lack of acknowledgement. More potent thought was the sting of rejection. How could I ever compare with her? I asked myself as I screamed into a pillow.

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Ending thoughts- A week ago I was hit with the idea to revamp my story Forever in Your Heart. I printed that it off and realized that to do the ten year glow up challenge on that bad boy would take a lot more work than i originally thought. This story for the first ten chapters follows a very similar plot line to FIYH, but is ultimately a different story. It is the story I would have written if at 21 I was in touch with my emotions. I hope you found enjoyment in this story. I do have ten chapters written and the story planned out for roughly 20. Its going to hurt to read at times, but ultimately will be filled with romance and love. Hope you enjoy!


	2. Chapter 2

Here begins chapter 2 this begins the journey into mental health concerns. Drug triggers (heroin) begin in this chapter. I would say that dramatized psychopathology begins as well. This story is going to follow Bella on her downward spiral into mental illness and her recovery. It will also show Edward's recovery. They will get together, though it will take awhile. They both have a lot of junk to go through, and even more healing before that will happen.

If you like music for stories the ones that I listened to while writing this chapter were Better Man by Little Big Town and Always Remember Us This Way- Lady Gaga. Did you see A Star is Born? Did you like it?

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I sat crying in my room for about 20 minutes before Alice joined me. "Finally, was able to slip away. Edward has been talking our ears off about how brilliant Victoria was in some locally produced play." Alice put on a mocking voice, "You should have seen her bring the audience to tears." She rolled her eyes as she gracefully took her seat on my accent chair. After a moment she flung her legs over the side and continued talking. "This relationship seems faker than that girl's breasts."

I pondered the connotation behind what Alice was saying but shrugged as the only evidence I could find was their body language. I explained this away by their nerves. Edward was a private person and was likely nervous about introducing his girlfriend to his family. "Alice, what if they are just nervous?"

"Unlikely," Alice said. "According to Edward they have only been together the last few months. They met in their final semester, and _I had to see where this relationship would go,_" Alice used mocked Victoria's voice. "It doesn't make sense. Why would an actress follow a boy she barely knows to a place with next to no chance to explore acting?"

"They are probably just in love. I would have followed him to Alaska! You know how much I hate snow." I said, wincing, biting back tears. "How can I ever compete with her? She is gorgeous. She seems successful. What have I ever accomplished?" I didn't stop the tears from coming.

"You are gorgeous, sis." Alice said. "I can assure you that you are competition to this girl! No! Don't roll your eyes at me. You always struggle to recognize what is amazing about you. Any guy would be incredibly lucky to have you!" I tried to internalize her words but the best I could do is accept that maybe someday if this girl died tragically, I may be able to comfort Edward until he came to his senses and saw the real me.

"I want him to be happy, and at this moment she seems to be the one who is making him happy." I said.

Alice looked me in the eye, "Bella, for a second stop being selfless and really think. You and Edward have a mass of unfinished business. This will need to be resolved before both of you can even think of moving forward! I think that to fully accept this you will need to get to know her, see if she is truly interested in Edward or just using him for something." She made a genuine point, there were a lot of reasons that people approached the family, and most of them were nefarious.

"You are saying I should march down there and introduce myself, to my ex's, whom I still love, girlfriend and '_get to know her'_?" It sounded absurd. What good could come from misrepresenting myself?

"Yes, if she is using him you will likely be able to see it before him. If not, it will probably help you move on. Facing this will likely help you grow as a person. Plus, at this moment I am fuming too much to even continue talking to her. A little warning could have been nice." Alice fumed, punching a throw pillow and kicking her feet.

"I will give it a whirl." I consented, not really wanting to do what I agreed to.

"Great, she is in the kitchen." Alice breezed out of my room, leaving me to walk into the viper's den alone.

I slowly made my way down the stairs, contemplating my life choices. Who did I think I was engaging her in conversation? Would I be able to gather information? I truly feel that this was one of my worst decisions. As I walked down the stairs, I caught the door closing. Releasing a breath, I didn't know I was holding, I sped up. I would not have to face my fears quite yet. "Bella?" Questioned a voice from the couch. She was sitting alone, and immediately I tensed again.

"Oh, hi Victoria." I responded as she caught me off guard. As I looked at her, I felt myself deflate, she was so gorgeous, and I was ordinary. How could I ever compete? "Where is everyone else?" I asked, hoping she would dismiss me.

"Bella dear, I would love to get to know you better," she smiled at me, and gesturing to take a seat. Her body language was warm and inviting everywhere but the eyes. For some reason they were radiating rage. I couldn't understand it, why feel angry when you had everything?

"Ok," I shrugged, sitting as far away from her in the stylish white living room as possible. "What would you like to know?"

"I suppose what Edward was like as a teenager? You knew him then right?" She inquired smiling, seemingly adding warmth into her voice.

I wracked my brain for information that I could share with her. Much of my knowledge of Edward was from a love interest's point of view, not as a friend. Even during the time before we began dating there was still romantic tension. I remember once in our joint science class; once the lights dimmed for the dull documentary it felt like magnets and fire radiating from him all at once. I had this innate, intense desire to touch him, to feel his arms wrap around me and feel his lips on mine. I drew myself from the thoughts, blushing at the intimate nature of the thought that ran through my mind. "He was studious, introverted." I responded gaging her response.

Something flashed in her eyes, and then smiled at me to continue. When I didn't, she frowned momentary. "Anything else?" She prompted in a voice that lacked the sweet quality that previous statements had had.

"Not much, he was always into music." I finished not knowing what she knew about our relationship. If Edward wanted to keep our relationship a secret, I did not want to be the one to tell her. It didn't feel like my place.

She frowned deeply at my response causing the hair on the back of my neck to stand up. "Bella, I know you know more than that. It was obvious by your response when you got her that you had some sort of crush on him." Oh, she suspected something. I saw her thinking further, "Wait are you the girl he dumped to move to Los Angeles? Isn't that funny? His ex and new girlfriend, socializing under the same roof!" She exclaimed causing my blush to deepen, and insecurity to run rampant though me. She knew.

"I guess that would be me," I replied staring at the ground. "He was as I described, I don't really have anything else to add."

She leaned towards me, enhancing her chest as she moved closer, "So how was he in bed?" Her venomous tone caused my blood to chill. A dangerous snarl spread across her features but was quickly replaced by a serene smile as she sat back in her chair. I figured that this was just a trick of my mind.

I choose to ignore her question, feeling as if I imagined it in the first place. Instead I choose to talk about her relationship with Edward. "How did you meet?" The question came out in an odd voice because I hadn't cleared my throat. I softly cleared it as her face remained soft and she smiled at the memory. Did I imagine the venom? I was looking for any reason to dislike her, and sometimes the brain can play tricks on you.

She responded gracefully, the perfect counter balance to my inherent awkwardness. "We met in a coffee shop, he was playing this beautiful song that he wrote. After he finished I asked him about it, he told me '_it was about a girl whose heart I broke,"_ and I responded '_with talent like that, you can break my heart anytime.' _He laughed and joined me for a coffee and then we continued to date. Not the most romantic story, but hey you have to start somewhere," she beamed, straightening her skirt.

I picked invisible lint off the sofa while looking for a way to respond appropriately. A song about me, at least that was the assumption. Of course, he could have been breaking girls hearts left and right. "How long have you been together?"

"About four months, apparently I am the first the girl to catch his eye since the girl in song," her jaw clenched momentarily as she caught my eye. Just a trick of the light I told myself. She was chuckling now.

"That's nice." I responded, adrenaline running for some odd reason. "How do you like Forks?"

"Its ok," she sighed, "I prefer the sun of Las Vegas. That's where I am from. Born and raised! Only moved to study Journalism at Berkeley. I somehow managed a scholarship."

"I spent some time in Las Vegas as well." I ignored the sting of jealousy. I was taking classes online through University of Washington. I would likely never experience college the way that most undergrads do. Another unfortunate reality that came from loving a man who ran away. I spent too much time waiting for him to come back.

"Really what part?" She asked.

"Henderson, we were there only for a few months. My passed from cancer very suddenly." I mentally kicked myself for sharing too much information.

"Oh, I am so sorry Bella. Losing someone who love is the worst, isn't it?" Her face filled with pain. I was looking for any reason to dislike this woman I was certain. "I know Henderson very well. I lived close, enough. I was in Green Valley Ranch."

_Of course, you were_, I mentally responded, feeling my body try to make itself smaller. I went to stand up to exit the room, not knowing what else to say to keep the conversation going. Something in her face stopped me, and I asked one more question, "Where are you staying?"

Anger clouded her features momentarily causing me to startle, but it was quickly replaced by sadness, "In a hotel. Carlisle and Esme won't me stay here. Can you believe that! They let you in for no real reason, but me oh no I have to pay for my own hotel." I felt her rage, but wrote it off again. Why would she be angry with me? I had done nothing wrong. "At least I know I can trust Edward. After all, why would he choose you over me?"

I didn't say anything as tears welled in my eyes. I stood up to leave and as soon as I got to the stairs, she called out to me again, "Oh Bella this was lovely we need to chat again sometime!"

This time I remembered to clear my throat, "Of course Victoria. Maybe even a weekly occasion."

"That would be marvelous," I turned as she responded, and I had to keep from running up the stairs and into my room. The look on her face chilled me to the bone.

When I arrived in my room, Alice had left. While I knew we needed to talk, I also knew that mentally processing the event was more important. I locked my door and started pacing the floor. I caught sight of the dreamcatcher hanging from my headboard and sighed. _Jake would say I am being silly. _I thought to myself finally relaxing. _I probably have a guilt conscious from keeping a secret from her, _I told myself.

An hour later when I heard a knock on my door, I was convinced that I was the villain in this scenario. I opened the door to see the love of my life leaning against my doorframe. His hand was in hair, lightly scratching the back of his head, and the crooked smile that made my knees weak was plastered to his flawless face. My own personal god was back and at my door. I opened my mouth to speak but no sound came out. My mouth was so dry, I looked for a glass of water.

He must have grown tired of waiting because he opened the conversation with his smooth deep voice, "Bella, I believe I owe you an explanation behind my absence. Would you be willing to take a walk with me?"

I nodded, not trusting my brain to form words in the moment. I moved to my chair to grab the rain jacket I had carelessly thrown over it. Miraculously, it hadn't fallen with Alice's bouncing, though it may have been equally likely that she placed it back where she found it.

He gave me a full smile that I couldn't help but return. He moved to head down the hall and I grabbed my Contigo from my desk. I took a sip as he asked, "You look great, Love."

I choked on my water as I went to respond though, it could have been the use of the old pet name. He chuckled at the situation, "Some things never change, do they?"

I smiled, not trusting my voice quite yet. We made it to the door, and I allowed him to lead me out. "The meadow fine?" I nodded again, feeling hope rush over me. Why was he leading me to our spot? Could it be that he still had feelings for me?

We walked slowly side by side on a slightly over grown path through the woods. It used to be well worn, but after four years of not being touched, nature had started to reclaim what was hers. I couldn't bring myself to come here after he left. There were too many memories. I flashed back to the first time he brought me here, _It was a surprisingly sunny and warm day. He called for me to follow him along the path. We were studying for our biology test. Having been friends for almost a year, and dealing with intense chemistry whenever we were together, I felt like it was time to stop our friendship. Being close to him without being with him felt like it was ripping my soul from my body. I went home in tears after being around him, because I never felt good enough. Being with him made me feel like I wasn't good enough. _

_He led me along that path to a perfect circle of a meadow. He walked to the center and invited me to sit next to him. Upon clumsily taking my seat, he laid back his hands behind his head. I lay close to him, feeling electricity run along the length of my body where he was close. I breathed in the scent of earth, doing my best to ignore the sensations running through my arm, controlling the urges to lean into his chest. "Bella," he broke the silence in his melodic voice. _

_I ignored my name, not trusting my voice. He decided to continue despite my temporary mutism, seeming to know that I was listening. "You know I am not good enough for you, yet you stay around. I can't stay away any more, love. Either send me away or accept me as your boyfriend." _

_I gasped, feeling the weight of his words, as I finally gave into the urge and nestled my head on his strong chest. I forgot to answer as I felt his arms wrap around my back, and him draw me closer to him. He placed a kiss on top of my head, "I love you, Bella." _

I was pulled from the memory as I tripped over a stick. Edward caught me and turned me to face him. Every nerve ending in my body called me to lean into his chest, I tilted my head up to his perfect face. He swallowed deeply and began to tilt his head down as if to give me a kiss before catching himself. "Some things never change," he stated stepping into the meadow and away from me. I didn't understand what he meant, and his body language told me that he wanted me to drop what happened. The flowers were in full bloom, causing a floral scent to invade my senses. I fell behind him and watched as he disappeared in the tall flowers.

"Victoria, huh? She's quite pretty," I said downplaying her beauty. "What brought you together?"

"Her strength lets me know that I can't break her." He replied simply, causing my heart to shatter more than I ever thought possible. I swallowed and bit my tongue hoping the tears would not betray me. "Bella, I didn't come here to talk about my relationship with her, I came to give you an explanation. You deserve to know why I left."

"Well then share," I whispered not allowing my voice to grow louder. I felt both fear and anticipation course through me as my heart began to race. I was terrified at what I was about to find out. What if he said he never loved me? How could I handle that?

"I am not sure if you noticed, but I have always had low self-esteem. I have never felt good enough, worthy enough! You were always too good for me," he held up as a finger as I tried to interrupt. "Let me finish please. I am nothing compared to my family, and in my senior year I found something that took the pain away." I nodded encouraging him to continue, assuming he was talking about me.

"Heroin took away the pain, it made me forget everything. It caused me to forget my inadequacies and gave me courage enough to commit to you." He was looking away from me. I frowned, drugs? The Edward I knew mocked the drug users. He said that it was the stupidest thing that a person could ever do. "I know, I mocked it," he responded as if reading my mind, "but only because I was so deep into it. Heroin was the stupidest thing I have ever done, followed closely by getting involved with you."

Tears began to fall, our relationship was truly one-sided. "You are too good for me Bella. I ruined you, I fulfilled the prophecy I told myself. I broke your heart. I can never forgive myself for the pain I caused. You are worth so much more than me."

"You're wrong you know." I finally spoke. "You are good enough, it is me who doesn't deserve you. I am weak, plain. I am inadequate. I will never measure up."

"Those are lies Bella, but I don't think now is the time to get into that conversation. I wanted to tell you why I left, so hopefully you can find peace and move on." How much more could he break my heart. "Graduation night, after I left your house, I went to a party. At this party I got high, and while high I hooked up with another girl." His voice was so full of shame, it stopped the anger from coming up in me for just a moment.

"You cheated," I said simply, sitting up and looking down on him. The anger coursed through me. The pain threatened to overwhelm me. I felt like he had pulled the weak thread and I was beginning to unravel.

"Yes." He said. Not looking me in the eye. His refusal to do so hurt even more.

"You bastard." I screamed through my tears. "You refused physical contact with me because you didn't want to steal 'my virtue' or whatever, but you willingly hooked up with a chick at a party? Don't- didn't you love me?"

"I love you, I loved you! I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell anyone. I was so ashamed of myself I ran away! I am nothing but scum Bella, I am worthless. I slept with another girl, I gave myself away to someone who didn't matter. I hate myself for what I have done. Can't you see how you deserve better?" He said, putting his hands over his face. I could see tears welling in his eyes too.

"I may deserve better in your eyes, but in mine you are all I ever wanted. We could have worked through it Edward!" I replied, loosing tough with myself. I felt the hurt course through me even deeper. I wanted him to stop, I wanted him to acknowledge what I was telling him. I wanted him to see how bad that hurt me!

He ignored me and continued, ignoring how each word was like a bullet into my chest. "I only stopped for gas on the way to Los Angeles. Looking back, I don't know how I made it, I was withdrawing so hard. Once I arrived, I bought a hit and overdosed for the first time. I woke up to 100 missed calls, responded back to dad, then went and got high again." He paused taking a breath. "Carlisle knew what was going on because he searched my room after I ran away. He decided to cut me off financially. He swore he would only tell if something happened to me, believing it my story to tell. After losing access to my money, I played my songs on street corners for the money for my next hit. All I allowed myself to care about was the drug because it was my escape from the shit person I was." I held up my hand not being able to hear anymore without him addressing my thoughts first, and finally he stopped. I needed him to stop destroying the image I held of him.

"You may be finally about to share this with me now, but I am not ready to hear this. I need time. In five minutes, you destroyed everything I thought you were." I stood up and began to walk away though it hurt, though it was killing me. I wasn't ready to hear this story. I needed space. I couldn't take his disclosure. I was starting to drift away.

"Bella, wait! Please listen to me!" He cried desperately as I began to walk away.

"No Edward, you listen. I am emotionally destroyed right now. I'm hanging on every careless word, hoping and praying it will turn into something that will heal my heart, but every new thing I learn kills me. I can't right now. I need space." I turned again and walked determinedly back to the house. Every step I felt like I was claiming some of my power back from him, but at the same time I could feel him slipping further away. I was afraid if I left I would loose him forever, though the other voice whispered, _You lost him the moment he slept with someone else. _I couldn't decide who to listen to, so I kept claiming my power with every step. It hurt so bad to walk away.

I walked into my bedroom at the Cullen's ignoring the worried looks from Carlisle and Esme as I came from the living room. I could not be in the same house as him. I could not be anywhere near him, and those that reminded me of him. Everything felt like a lie. _He cheated._ The realization cut through me like a knife, and I collapsed. _I was never good enough,_ I thought, sobbing trying to put myself back together before I walked downstairs.

I felt like I was drowning. Images of him climbing on top of Victoria and other anonymous girls flew through my mind. I couldn't stop them from flooding my mind. They wouldn't stop! I collapsed on my bed, and started screaming, punching kicking, scratching at my sheets as if it were him. I wanted to scratch his face off. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to fuck him so hard he forgot that girls face. I was so caught in my rage that I didn't hear my door open, and Carlisle step in. "Bella?" He asked softly, drawing me back to reality.

I gulped, trying to pull myself together. I felt like I was hyperventilating. "He told you?" Carlisle asked. I nodded, still lacking the ability to speak. Carlisle took a seat on my bed and wrapped a comforting arm around my shoulders. Compassion filled the face of the face of my second father. "It hurts, and it will hurt. Whatever you need I am here for you." He responded, falling silent, just sitting with me as I pulled myself together. We sat side by side for fifteen minutes before I finally trusted myself to speak.

"I think I want to stay at Charlie's tonight. Let you guys catch up." Carlisle nodded and left, as I grabbed my keys and packed an overnight bag. "You knew?" I called after him.

"Yes. I wanted to share, the unknown was destroying everyone, but it didn't feel like my place."

I felt betrayed by his response, but for the first time since speaking to Edward, I was able to allow logic to override my emotion. "I understand. It hurts, but I know that you had to do what you thought was right. I would want you to do the same for me."

I followed after him with my bag and caught Edward on the stairs, he positioned himself to block me, causing rage to well up within me. "Bella, wait, please, don't leave it like this." He told me.

"I said those exact words as you stepped out of my life. Now for crying out fucking loud, let me through you sadistic bastard!" My screams drew the attention of everyone, and I blushed, but I wasn't in control, my emotions were ruling me.

"Please," he begged. "Let me explain."

"No! I can't take it right now. Let me go!" I pushed passed him, and made it to the door, tears flowing again.

"Bella? What's wrong?" Asked Alice, Esme echoing the question on her face.

"Ask him." I slammed the door behind me. I made my way to my decrepit truck, praying it would start. Carlisle had offered many times to replace my car for me, but I always felt awkward about accepting such a lavish gift from them. I was not their child and I couldn't ask him for that now, not after Edward's betrayal. I felt like Edward had severed all ties with my family. I could barely look at them right now I was so ashamed.

The engine, thankfully, roared to life and I drove to Charlie's house. Throughout the last few years it had become more Charlie's and less mine. I still slept there on occasion, but things were easier at the Cullen's, faster wi-fi and my own bathroom being top on the list of perks. Why did he choose this? I asked myself, the tears flowing again. The answers I had begged for were worse than the wondering. I would have never thought him to be a cheater. He was right, we were better apart, but he was wrong too. I was the one to blame. I was the one who drove him to drugs, to another woman. I was to blame. I hit my steering wheel, not knowing how else to release the pain. Screaming wasn't enough.

I pulled into Charlie's driveway, noticing his patrol car in the driveway. I couldn't tell if I was happy or disappointed he was in. I struggled to get my emotions under control, but it was futile, too much had happened in the span of a few hours. In the span of an afternoon my hopes of ever reconnecting with my soulmate had been crushed, I discovered infidelity, and was faced with the reality of my inadequacies for the first time. I sobbed to the point where I had to step out of my truck to vomit on the grass. I rolled to the side and curled into the fetal position. I didn't care that I was crying on the ground in front of my house. I didn't care that people were looking at me. I couldn't care, the pain was too great.

"Bella?" My dad tore out of the house and saw me laying on the ground. "Bella! What happened?" He asked, picking me up. Struggling with my weight he carried me back into the house. Fear was embedded in his face as he looked at me for answers. I was too lost in myself to give them. This was the first time since it happened that I had completely fallen apart. The first time since he left that I had lost all hope. He was never mine, the thought had me jumping from Charlie's arms, and vomiting into the kitchen sink. _I'll never be enough. _

"Bella, what is happening?" Charlie asked in near hysteria.

"He cheated." Was all I could respond before vomiting again. After I finished, I felt myself let go of the strong of sanity I was holding on to and I got lost inside of my mind, watching myself from the outside. I was not longer real.

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Infidelity sparks a lot of strange emotions, and I hope that I captured even the smallest bit with Bella. This was hard to write. I didn't want Edward to actually have sex with someone else. I wanted to preserve his virginity for Bella, but this makes it more real. I want this story to be a healthy love story, one where the characters love each other without neurosis, and it seemed to do so, I had to create pain. Hope you enjoyed. I would love to know what you thought!


	3. Chapter 3

I struggled to find a song to go with the feels specifically for this chapter. If you know oneplease share :)

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For the next several weeks, I ignored all phone calls. I only left my room to use the bathroom, and the occasional snack. I couldn't function, it hurt to bad. _Why wasn't I enough? _Much of the time I was disconnected from myself, not knowing what happening around me, simply existing. My only moment of consciousness was whenI exited my room, and heard Charlie's voice, "I am so worried about her." I stopped in my tracks. I knew I should continue on like I never heard anything, but for the first time I felt something other than the cocktail of negativity swirling around inside me. "She hasn't showered in weeks Carlisle. She looks half dead, there's nothing behind her eyes! She's barely eating," there was a brief pause allowing Carlisle to speak. "I know, but its scary. This isn't like her. She's never let her emotions get the best of her before." "Oh, I didn't think of it like that. Thank you, I'll talk to you again soon," Charlie ended the conversation gruffly. Hopefully this hadn't affected their relationship. "Bella?"

I shrugged at my dad, acknowledging my name. He smiled at me, "Good to see you." He invited me to eat breakfast with him again, but shortly after brushing my teeth I was sucked into the whirlwind of my emotions again.

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A pounding on my door drew me from my thoughts. My pixie like best friend entered into my room, determination on her face. She caught sight of me, and briefly horror filled her eyes before she was able to replace it neutrality. "Get in the shower." I grunted and increased my grip in my chair. I didn't want to snap out of it. I didn't want to take a shower. I wanted to die.

Alice marched over to me and broke my grip on the chair. "Up," she said again. Amazingly I was able to get my legs to listen, hoping they hadn't atrophied over my hiatus. I realized I had no idea how long it had been.

"How long," I asked Alice cringing at the question. There were many ways to interpret what I said, but luckily my friend was intuitive. "Four weeks," she said as I walked to the bathroom. I counted the steps, keeping myself grounded. I could not go again. I was unsure of what happened to me. I don't know where I went, all I know is that I was lost inside myself.

When I got to the bathroom, I disrobed. In the mirror I caught sight of myself and almost slipped away again. I forced myself to cling to reality, and made an inventory of my appearance. I was thinner, but not so much I could be considered skeletal. My eyes were red and puffy from crying, and my hair was disgusting. Nothing that Alice couldn't help with. I will get better I told myself, as I started the shower. I put the toxic whirlwind of emotions and thoughts one by one into a box. It helped, and with each step I felt lighter and happier.

I styled my hair and did my makeup before returning to my room. "Sorry Alice, I am better now." I smiled at her, feeling the lid of the box rattle. I mentally nailed it shut.

She looked at me concerned, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, never better." I replied meaning what I was saying. I had forgotten about the box already. It was slipping from my consciousness.

"You were like the living dead Bella, you can't hide from this." She said.

"Alice, I am fine now. I dealt with it. I am here." I hoped she would believe me, I didn't want to have to convince her.

She gave a concerned look and shrugged her shoulders at me. I knew she was going to let it drop, knew she was done confronting me about it. I felt relieved. I was never going to face those feelings again, no matter what I did. "How is Victoria?" I asked her, hoping she would actually respond and not try to protect me.

"Fine, she's rather nice actually." Alice responded, gaging my reaction. "She seems to be getting along with the family. Though she is nothing like you."

"You don't get a predatory vibe from her?" I asked, forgetting where the question was coming from. I tried to remember my conversation with her, but all I could remember was how nice she seemed. I took a deep breath because the feelings of insufficiency were arising again. I threw the Victoria I knew in the box as well, feeling lighter. Now I could look at her with intrigue, much like Alice would.

"Hmm, interesting question Bella. No, not really. Sometimes I feel like something is off, but for the most part she is a decent enough girl." The response didn't alter the box.

I walked around my room, noting how clean it was. I also noted the dream catcher on my bed. I hadn't remembered it being there before I fell into blackness. "Good, Edward," I made sure the box didn't rattle as I drew a breath, "deserves to be happy." I finished feeling somewhat numb, but numb was better than pain.

"So, um, would you want to come over to our house?" Alice asked hesitantly.

I thought about the consequences behind going over there. On one hand I would be able to see my family again. I would be able to feel a part of something. Just because he lied and cheated didn't mean that I was an outcast. I also knew that if I was over there the box might come undone. I was uncertain why Alice would ask, but she always knew things before they happened. She felt things, and I decided to trust that she knew what she was doing. I nodded my response and put on my shoes and coat.

We went down the stairs and I saw Charlie for the first time since the phone call. "Hey dad."

He looked at me shocked, but I could see relief spreading throughout his body. "Bella." He said in acknowledgement. He smiled lightly as he rose to touch my shoulder. "Welcome back." He left the room smiling.

The guilt I felt at causing him so much pain threatened to overwhelm me, but I opted to throw it into my box too. I was tired of not feeling alive. I was tired of being ruled by emotions. I walked out the door to Alice's car and got in the passenger seat. Several times she tried to start a conversation, but my lack of response told her I wasn't in the mood to talk. I was content on just being in the moment, I didn't want to have to talk and risk all my pain escaping and darkness overwhelming me again.

_What do I say?_ I asked myself. I cursed Edward. _How do I fix this? How can I fix this?_ Ultimately, I decided to take it moment by moment. I was not in a place to think about what had happened previously. I would instead put energy to what ever came up.

When we arrived at the house, I felt more competent with how to work my box. I knew when to open it and let a feeling in, and how to keep it from opening. I could visualize everything going into the box, and nothing escaping. I placed it in a vault in my head, so that it wasn't easily accessed. I knew that I could get through whatever was waiting for me when I walked through the door at my second house.

"Hey Alice," called Victoria as we walked in the door. "Oh Bella, your better!" She greeted me as well, causing me to feel uncomfortable.

"Um, ya." I replied.

"Nice to see you," she smiled causing me to shiver. I threw the feeling of unease into my vault, telling myself that I was going crazy. "Alice, did you want to have girl time?"

"Sure! Bella, want to join us?" I nodded at the request and waited for Alice to bring down her makeup collection.

I was hoping I wouldn't make a mess out of The Cullen's white living room when Victoria's voice called me from my musings. "That must have been some flu."

"Ya, it was awful. I just couldn't shake it," I responded, not wanting to share to much. I had no idea what the story was behind my absence. Contradicting someone would be the worst thing I could do right now. Shame at my mental break threatened to overwhelm me before I filed it away.

Alice arrived with the makeup and we worked to perfect differing skills. I had almost mastered winged eyeliner when we heard a knock on the front door. Alice and I both bolted up to get it. I bumped her on the way causing her to briefly loose her footing, "Watch it there steam roller!" She joked.

"Who are you calling a steam roller?" I laughed, causing us both to break down into giggles.

I made it to the door first and wretched it open still giggling. "Jake?" I asked questioning my sanity. Jacob would never be caught dead on the steps of their house. For so long he hated the Cullen's. He felt it was their fault his people were driven to the reservation. Seeing him here meant there was something wrong. Normally, he was smiling, joyful. Now he looked empty like all the life had been sucked out of him. I wondered if I looked the same.

"Bella, can I speak to Alice?" He asked.

I nodded, stepping aside, amazed how in a manner of seconds the mood can change so drastically. I prayed it wasn't the worst. I prayed he was only hurt, not that he was gone. Carlisle and Esme had entered the room as Jacob handed Alice a folded-up flag. Alice collapsed into Jacob, pounding his chest, begging him to drop the joke. I put all my feelings in my safe. I needed to be strong. I couldn't let anyone see what I was feeling, or worse make them worried again. They had enough to worry about.

Carlisle and Esme pried Alice from Jacob. Alice curled into Carlisle's lap as he got her inside so he could shut the door. In all this, I couldn't help but think where's Edward? Victoria came over to us a look of confusion on her face. "What's wrong?"

"Her fiancé is dead." I responded lifelessly.

"Oh." Victoria said. "But she's so young, won't she be able to find someone else."

This caused Alice to stand in a rage. Anger filled her tiny frame so much it looked like her hair was crackling with energy, "What a vile thing to say," Alice said in a dangerous voice.

"It's true though." Victoria continued, seeming not to care that everyone was looking at her in shock.

"Get out." Alice said through clenched teeth. "Get out before I hit you."

Carlisle spoke from the ground. "I agree Victoria, I don't think you are in a place to empathize with us at the moment. I have to ask you to leave before more damage is done."

Victoria left gracefully, though I could see the anger written on her face. I sat with Alice, hiding my pain behind my shield. I allowed Alice to cry on my shoulder for an indefinite amount of time. I lost touch with what was happening around me. Long after my arms had gone numb and my legs were tingling, Esme came up to me. "I can take it from here." She told me.

I excused myself and went to my room to freshen up. I sat in my chair asking myself if I was ok. I felt that I was. Everything was safely hidden, and I felt like I was able to handle anything. Then my ultimate test came, "Bella?" Edward's strangled voice came from my doorframe.

I took a deep breath, "Yes?"

"I need you." He breathed. I forgot all about his girlfriend. I forgot about the cheating, the drugs. I felt myself in that moment with him.

"Ok." I gestured to the bed and we laid down together. Tears flowed down my face as he spooned me. I felt him crying behind me. We cried together until we fell asleep. Upon waking I knew he was still asleep. I was so angry that I had given in and let him close again, but sometimes you can't fight fate. The magnetic connection was pulling us together. I was certain it would never stop. I was certain that I could never escape him, so as his breathing quickened, I knew what I had to do.

"Edward," I started. "I am ready to hear the full story." Upon asking I questioned why Edward was upset. He had never met Jasper. I quickly forgot as he began speaking.

"Huh, oh," he responded sitting up. We both took a deep breath and he moved his eyes to floor, "Here goes nothing," he started causing me to dig my nails into my hands. I had been waiting for this for four years, I needed to hear it.

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Thank you for your continued support! This chapter mostly comes from keeping the skeleton of the original. I edited this bad boy after writing chapter tenish. Coming back to this one, I felt almost bored. coming up there is a whole lot of emotional content, so stay tuned!

I have a question for my readers as well, how far do want deviation from the husband/ wife lose virginity on their wedding night. I am not talking lemons, I am talking throwing cannon balls of pain at the two of them. They would not be intimate with each other until likely their wedding. just know with what is coming they will be together, there just needs to be some healing first!


	4. Chapter 4

Welcome back friends. If interested in a song or two for this chapter I recommend Unlove you Jennifer Nettles, Back to You Selena Gomez, and Beautiful Lies by Jana Kramer.

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"I ran away because I was a terrible human being." He started sitting up and leaning into my headboard. I did the same and mirrored his position. "I knew after what happened with that girl I was no good for you. I had to leave. If I could allow that to happen, then I wanted to be far away so I couldn't hurt you anymore." He paused briefly, but I choose not to respond, staring straight ahead waiting for him to continue.

"I prayed you would forget about me. That was an obvious waste of time. Bella, I am so sorry for the pain that I have caused you. I should have never gotten involved with you. I only destroyed you further." He said looking down at the bed.

I could no longer stay silent. "Edward, you helped me. You saved me. Without you I would have been more of a wreck! I need you, I needed you. I chose to be with you. Why were you so insistent on taking that choice away from me? Do you not trust me?" I argued.

"I don't trust you Bella. Not to pick what is good for you. Why else would you cling to me?" He said.

"I get to decide what is good for me. I should be able to make my own decisions. I am an adult! I am capable of making an educated decision about my life." I said, glaring at him. My fists were clenched, and my heart was racing. I wanted to hit him, but underneath the rage I was questioning myself.

"That's not what I meant Bella, I don't want to be with you. I don't want your hurt to be on my shoulders. I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you because of me." He said, almost patronizing me.

"You are so confusing, Edward! You are a walking contradiction. You don't want to be with me, yet you seek me out. Every time I turn around you are seeking me out. You don't want to hurt me, yet you constantly reject me. I need to know where I stand!" I cried, feeling my emotions start to escape their box. I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths, placing everything back where it belonged. Getting emotional wasn't helping my case, normally when I showed emotion he would pull away and we would go back into this dance where we stamped on each other's toes.

"Let's not talk about this now. You don't seem like you are in a place to talk about it." He said, causing me to roll my eyes. He was making decisions for me again.

I was ready to understand more, but instead of standing up for myself, I nodded. Why couldn't I assert myself to him? I felt myself begin to crumble. How could he still have so much power over me? We weren't even together. I moved to the side of the bed, and went to stand up, hoping to distance myself from the situation.

"Bella, where's Victoria?" He asked, the words hitting me like bullets. How dare he?

"Ask your father," I hissed as I stormed out of my bedroom, slamming the door as I left.

I composed myself as I walked down the stairs, finally reorienting myself to the reality of Jasper's loss, now wasn't the time for me to draw others into my drama. I was never as close to Jasper as Emmett or Alice, but his loss would still affect me. He was one of the few who was able to help me identify my emotions before they overwhelmed me. After he finished his term, he was planning on becoming a counselor. He had his life planned out, and in the end it was worthless.

I entered the living room and could feel the heaviness of emotion. Alice was laying on the couch, lightly stroking the shag rug that covered the floor. I breathed in the scent of homemade lasagna as I noticed Esme in the kitchen. Carlisle looked up from his reading and gave me a small smile as he looked up from his reading. I went to sit at the opposite end of the couch from Alice. "Emmet and Rosalie will be here tomorrow." I nodded, not knowing what to say in response.

Emmet was very much a big brother to me. His incessant teasing combined with his bear like protection over me caused us to develop the relationship. I felt comfortable around Emmett. I knew that he wouldn't harm me, and he always found a way to bring a smile to my face. Contrary, his wife caused me to see everything wrong with me. Her perfect body, and astounding confidence often caused me to question myself. She never did anything that directly caused me to feel inferior, it was more her presence that caused the feelings within me. Rosalie and I never got the chance to bond, mainly because I felt self-conscious. How could a beauty like her want anything to do with me?

Edward's footsteps drew me from my musings, and I looked determinedly away from him. I didn't want to be anywhere near this person who felt that it was his job to decide who and what I needed. I tried to push the feelings of rejection and inferiority aside, but they wouldn't go away. I hoped that something would distract me from the feelings and my hyper-focus on Edward.

"Edward, can you call Charlie and invite him and Jake to dinner?" Esme asked when she saw him. _At least Jake will distract me,_ I thought. I picked up a magazine and once I started to page through it, realized that it was a medical journal. I looked up and saw Edward give me a smirk.

I huffed and dropped the journal back on the table and turned to look at Alice. For the first time in our relationship, all of her life seemed to be gone. Alice and Jasper were so in tune with each other it was if they could read each other's thoughts. They met when he was a senior at Port Angeles High School and she was a sophomore. They met when he came into the diner where Alice was designing her first dress. "Howdy, miss." He said when he saw her, and she responded with "Well you sure kept me waiting cowboy." Jasper stuttered and they exchanged information.

They started dating at Alice's prom. She refused to ask someone, saying that the right guy will show up at the right moment. Jasper arrived the night of prom just as Alice was walking down the stairs in a tux, with a limo in the driveway. Jasper stated that he knew he had to be there for her special night. Alice says that's when she knew he was the one, especially when his tie matched her dress. He had joined the military at that point, and even though he was living overseas, they were determined to keep their relationship strong through his times of leave from work and video chats. Through the years of rarely seeing each other, times where the phone calls couldn't come, and uncertainty that came from loving a soldier, Alice never failed at remaining loyal. She clung to him and their future, and he did the same.

"He's not coming back." She said sitting up.

"I'm sorry." I told her with as much compassion as I could muster.

"He said he'd come back." She cried, moving to lay in my lap. I began to stroke her short black hair. "How can he be gone? I waited for him, where do I go from here."

Not knowing what to say I remained silent. Her loss was so much different from mine. I looked over to Edward who looked uncomfortable with the emotion. He never got to know Jasper. I'm sure it felt awkward for him, his sister grieving a man he had never met. "Alice, remember the good times." Carlisle said, looking up from his book.

Alice nodded from my lap, and the tears came again.

We sat that way until a knock came to the door. Edward let in Charlie and Jacob. Charlie looked like he had been crying. Out of all the younger Cullen's, Charlie was closest to Jasper, sometimes calling him his almost son. Jasper had lost his parents when he was young, and he grew up in the foster care system. Charlie, upon meeting him, stepped into the role of a father. They spoke on a weekly basis, and Charlie was the first one that Jasper told about the ring he had bought for Alice.

I mentally kicked myself for not being there for my dad. He needed me. I shifted and Alice sat up, moving to sit cross legged at her end of the couch. "Dad, I'm sorry." I told him, willing the shame to not overwhelm me. I shoved the shame into my box as well. It seemed like my box was now the place for everything that wasn't happiness.

"Bells, no. It's fine Jake was here with me." He responded.

My breakdown felt days away at this point, so much had happened since I woke up. It felt like life was racing by, with me not having control over anything. I was happy that I had found a way to stay present, instead of locked inside my own head. I moved to the kitchen, and silently asked Esme if she needed my help with anything. She motioned her head to the table, and I began to set it. Jacob quickly joined me, giving me a smile though I could tell he was hurting too.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey to you," he responded grinning. "We haven't had a chance to chat yet."

"I guess not." I shrugged pretending that all the bad stuff didn't exist, and I was with my male best friend again.

"After dinner?" He asked.

"It's a date," Jake chuckled, drawing a glare from Edward. Well if he didn't want me, he couldn't stop someone else from showing interest. I smiled at Jake and finished my task.

I looked around, Edward was still glaring at me and Jake, Charlie and Carlisle were in a quiet conversation, Esme was pulling dinner from the oven, and Alice was looking forlorn on the couch. I chose to return next to Alice while Jacob finished helping Esme. The house felt lifeless with how morose all the family members were feeling. I saw Jacob set down the garlic bread and everyone went to the table without being called. We all took our seats without speaking. It seemed that no one knew what to say. I could Jacob wanted to say something but kept quiet, probably because he didn't know how to act in the family, being somewhat of an outsider. After a few minutes of wrestling with himself he finally spoke, "Jasper became my closest friend. He looked out for me. You guys don't have to hide your grief for my benefit."

Everyone gave him a small smile but were lost in their own thoughts. I wanted to start a conversation, but I couldn't find anything to talk about, so I kept quiet, maybe everyone else was in the same boat. The clattering of utensils was getting close to a breaking point, as everyone was shifting uncomfortably.

"Where's Victoria?" Edward asked, breaking the silence.

"Took you long enough," grumbled Alice.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Countered Edward, gritting his teeth, glaring at his sister over the salad bowl.

"It means that it took hours after I asked her to leave for you notice she was gone and ask why." Carlisle spoke.

Edward paled and checked his phone. "I asked Bella earlier," he stated defensively as he began furiously typing away on his phone that had miraculously appeared. "What happened?" He hissed.

"She was insensitive towards Alice's loss. We all felt put off by her lack of remorse at the insensitivity and felt it was better to have her leave the home while emotions were heightened." Carlisle spoke trying to catch Edward's eye. "I feel we need to talk later about your relationship with Bella."

Edward stood up, and glared at Carlisle as he left "Excuse me." He exited the room, presumably to call his girlfriend. The lid on my box rattled, and I threw another nail in the lid. My breathing returned to normal and my hands relaxed. Why did he have such hold over me?

We ate the rest of our meal in silence. I paid special attention to Edward's empty seat, hoping to hear his voice. When it didn't come I looked down disgruntled. I wanted to hear what he was saying to her. I wanted to know I still had a chance. That sounded crazy though. He didn't want me. I blinked back tears, pulling myself together. I noticed Carlisle staring at me. I shook my head, letting him know I didn't want to talk about it. Carlisle cared so deeply for me, though Edward was his son. I didn't want to put him in the position where he had to choose between us.

As we were standing, Edward entered the room. "We decided to take a break for a few weeks." He stated simply taking his seat again, trying to catch my eye. I looked towards Jacob, "You ready?" I asked him. He nodded and we headed up towards my room with me. On the way up the stairs, I tried not to give a smirk towards Edward.

I led Jake to my room, contemplating taking his hand. In the weeks after Edward left, we would often sit on the beach holding hands, not saying anything. His hand felt like a home I longed to run back to. I wanted to lean into his warm embrace, but for some reason I felt conflicted. I didn't want to use him for comfort when he was hurting so bad. I didn't want to be the person who leeched off of others. When we got to my room, we took the same positions Edward and I had earlier. The atmosphere of the room was warmer, more engaging than it had been with the previous guest. Jake, seeming to read my hesitation for physical comfort, pulled me to his side, allowing his warmth to fill me. I relaxed into him, remembering how much I loved this man, and wishing how we could have been together. If only Edward hadn't have stolen my soul.

I tried so hard after _he _left. I tried to love Jake in the same way. I wanted so badly to be his. It seemed my heart was too damaged to allow for such things though. The more I tried to lean into a relationship with my best friend, the more my mind would compare him to Edward. I finally gave up trying to make romance happen after we shared kiss on a double date. The was no electricity, nothing to hold us together. It was empty. After the kiss Jacob stopped pursuing me as a romantic interest finally recognizing what I already knew, my heart belong to someone else. After he gave up pursuing me, we fell into this easy sort of friendship. It lasted for half of the four years of Edward's departure, until of course he left too.

Jacob joined the army about a year and a half ago. He joined without much of an explanation, and I felt confused by the decision, and blamed myself for his choice. In the past he often spoke of how he felt the government and military were why his people didn't have their land. He was angry 'at the white man' as he called it. He signed when Billy died with little explanation beyond 'I have to do this.' I knew that he would eventually explain to me why he choose the path he did. I think that was the biggest difference between Jacob and Edward, Jacob always explained things to me, whereas Edward always infantilized me.

"What's up?" I asked.

"So much Bells. I don't know where to begin." He said, smiling down at me. At his smile I was struck by how natural we were. There were no feelings of inferiority, nothing causing me to question my value, it was just him and I. I tried again to bring up lust and passion towards him, but of course it fell flat, I simply wasn't affected by him the same way I was Edward. I shoved my disappointment into my box so that it wouldn't cloud our conversation.

"How about with why you left." I prompted.

"I made the decision the day dad died. I realized that I would be able to offer so little to the tribe as a mechanic. While I would be able to fix their cars, I wouldn't be able to help them on a more personal level. Dad struggled with poor health decisions, and so many of the other tribe members struggle with depression and drug use. I felt that joining the military was the best way for me to get the funds for school. You know my grades weren't great," I nodded for him to continue, amazed by how much he had grown in a short span of time. I was so proud of him. "I learned though, after that scholarships were still there for me, even without the best grades." Jacob scowled as he took a break from speaking, causing me to reflect on what he had just said.

He wanted to go to school? He was a hero and he couldn't see it, warm affection filled me. "What do you want to study?" I asked smiling at him.

"Psychology. I want to be a psychologist." He told he, challenging me with his eyes.

"That's great Jake!" I exclaimed, feeling that his career path was necessary and he could change his corner of the world.

"Yeah, well." He blushed smiling. "I should have asked more questions before joining, I struggled to fit in, and Jasper ended up being a huge help. We bonded over our mutual career goals." I noticed how sad he looked at mentioning this.

"You were close." I stated.

"Like brothers. We become closer than most of the guys. I can't believe he's gone." He stated, trying to control his emotions. I squeezed his thigh, but I felt him tense at the contact. I pulled my hand back confused. "Bells, this is hard to say, please don't take it the wrong way." I gulped.

"I have romantic feelings for you, still," my heart sank and I moved to pull away. He offered resistance so I stayed, letting my confusion show. I felt the box rattle. I chose to ignore the rattling. "When you touch my thigh, I can't help but want to kiss you. When we are like this, I can keep the wolf inside, but when you break the norm," he sighed looking sad, "it comes out, and all I can think about is how much I want to kiss you, breath in your scent, to hold you against me and not have you pull away."

I felt a brief rush of desire at his words, before shutting it down in confusion. I thought we were done? He never let me go? How could one sentence cause me to feel a rush of something that was normally reserved for Edward. "Ok." I said simply feeling that Jake wanted a response.

"I won't force anything, but if you change your mind Bella, please tell me. Until then, I will be working to get over you," he smiled. I reciprocated sadly. "Anyway, I am on desk duty in Port Angeles until they figure out what to do with me. Since I can't fight my response to seeing my brother die, I am no good for combat anymore. I am lucky they allowed me to return here, small miracles I guess."

I smiled at him. Glad he was back. Things were so much more difficult away from him, as he was able to help me see the good in life, and put me back together. Having him back was sure to be a healing experience for me. We sat in silence for a little while longer, not feeling the need to say anything further. Though I questioned, did I need someone to put me back together.

I snuggled closer to him, when I heard a light knock on the door. "Come in," I called without asking who it was.

Edward walked into the room, causing me to startle. I held myself back from jumping away from Jake. In the past I would have, however I wanted to make Edward jealous. I wanted to show him just how desirable I was. This acknowledgement caused me to feel ashamed at my use of Jacob. I opted to push those feelings aside and glare at my ex. "What's this?" He hissed.

Jacob moved away from me, seemingly not wanting to get involved in a fight. "Friends comforting each other. I'll talk to you later Bell." He said as he got up. He glared at Edward as he left the room. With Jake gone my emotions threatened to overwhelm me. I felt the drive to touch Edward to hold him close. It was so much stronger than it was with Jacob. With Jake it was natural, easy, controllable. With Edward walking towards my bed, the lust threatened to over take me. I was so confused at my response. Just hours earlier I wanted to hit him, and now I want to sleep with him. "I see you moved on." He told me snarkily. His scent invading my olfactory glands.

"Better get your eyes checked." I responded, looking for something to distract me. Finding nothing, I met his eyes, and felt my wall of anger melt. I scrambled to feel anything but love and loss. Why didn't this man want me?

"I didn't come here to fight." He replied quietly. "I am sorry." He gave me the crocked smile that cause my anger to begin to melt away.

"Then why did you come?" I asked.

"I am confused." I nodded at him to continue. "I still love you Bella, I want you. I want you so bad it hurts. I just know that I will hurt you. I can't seem to stay away."

I thought about he said. I wanted to kick him out. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to say goodbye to him, but the words from my mouth came straight from my heart, "Come here."

He sat down next to me on the bed, placing his hands behind his head as he leaned against the headboard. "I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do."

I gave into impulse for a moment and placed a hand on his knee, he tensed much like Jacob did. I felt a rush of desire course through my body. I shook it off as I looked in his eye, "Don't think."

His lips were on mine in the next moment, stealing the breath from my lungs. His hand tangled in my hair and his other arm wrapped behind my back, pulling me tightly against his body. Our tongues danced as I wrapped my arms tightly around him, closing any distance between us as the lust overtook me.

Edward suddenly pulled away, "That was inappropriate." He sighed and moved to leave the room.

"Stay." I called to his back.

He paused for a moment. "I am not in control right now." He then left the room, shutting the door behind him.

As soon as the door shut, I picked up a pillow and screamed into it. He was so infuriating. Every conversation with him either left me wanting more or emotionally destroyed. I knew he was no good, but why did I still keep running back to him for more?

I thought on my self-proposed question and realized the reason why I kept coming back was for those moments when he held or kissed me. Those sweet moments where he told me what I wanted to hear, that he loved me. In those moments all my pain disappeared and I could forget all the bad that had happened to me in my life. Jake gave me courage to face the pain, Edward took it away completely. _Isn't morphine preferred in the moment? Isnt it better than physical therapy?_ I thought to myself as I turned off the light and got under the covers. _Everyone wants the drug that numbs the pain, its easier than actually dealing with the pain._

* * *

After editing this chapter I realized how easily I could turn this into a Bella/ Jake story. I may do that after I finish this one. I want to give Bella and Edward a shot at a healthy relationship, I just have to destroy them a little more first. I am typing up chapter 8ish right now, and wow it's a dozy. This tale is about to get dark, really dark. I hope you stay along for the ride because there is beauty to come. Thanks for reading! Nikki


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